Sunday, January 31, 2010


I miss how you would listen to the most beautifullest music.
I miss how you would let me sit and watch you play your guitar.
I miss how you would pick me up and twirl around with me in your arms.
I miss how you wouldn't want to leave me.
I miss how you would stay up late just to talk to me.
I miss how you would sing at the top of your lungs to embarrass me haha.
I miss how you would take me to the beach.
I miss how we would listen to the best CD's in your car.
I miss how you would miss me when you went away.
I miss how you would tell me I was beautiful and that you loved me.

Your boring.
All you do is party, and tell me about it, I really couldn't give a shit.
And no, I don't want to know how drunk you got.
You care about your car more than you care about me.
You treat me like the shit beneath your shoes.
You expect me to still be around your finger.
You brag to me about every little thing you do, when I don't even ask you about it.
Your boring to talk to and be around.
Your more poncey and usual.
Straightening your hair now and expensive clothes?
Sub stereos in your car?
Caring about what your friends and others think about you?
You've gotten a massive ego, and a huge head.
Want the truth?
You weren't that good in bed... I faked a lot.

But I liked you. I "LIKED" you.
The new you is shit. You bore the fuck out of me.
I don't miss you now. If I am missing SOMETHING about you, it's the old you.
That's what I wanted back. Not "you" exactly.

And now?
I really couldn't give a shit anymore, I'm happy.
I feel like I can be me again. And it's great :)

Time to get a move on with life and stop living in the past!

Friday, January 29, 2010

I never realized how simple it was

I can't live with or without you.
I always knew I loved this song for a reason, apart from the fact that it's beautiful and catchy. I actually understand what it means in saying "I can't live with or without you". I'm glad I understand it now, I'm glad I understand myself now. But I'm not gonna try understanding you.
Things are going to get better. Things are gonna be sorted out. I kinda feel free. And I know my moods swing from I love you/I hate you. But I kinda feel, content with the decisions we have made :) I feel like me again. I'll get through the lonely nights, like most people. Things like this happen. I'm still learning, getting the hang of this thing. But I'll love the fun nights I'll have with my friends. They are the ones I love the most. I don't need one guy to make me happy, when I have my girls, and plenty of guy friends who make me laugh a billion times more than you ever have.
Hahaha, my mind works in a strange way, I think. You tell me. I've lost count of how many times you've called me crazy and insane. And I don't care, this is me. And I'm happy with that.

"I just wanna get a long" - The Breeders.

I hope that one day

Someone shows you my blogs. Maybe then you'll get it through your obnoxious fat head.... I love and miss you. Always....

I hate how you can love someone so much it hurts. And yes, I am calling it love. After everything that happened, how much I was hurt, i still think about you. What else could it be?


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I'm sorry

I forgot how unimportant I was to you. I thought things were going great. I thought things were getting better. I thought we could do this for once. But no. You proved me wrong. I can't handle trying so much anymore. And boy, I tried so hard. You laugh at me when I cry and then you laugh with your friends. I'm getting exhausted...

You proved to me how low a friend can be. How shit a friend can be. Hell, I can't believe I'm still holding onto you, trying to keep you as one of my friends. What the hell is wrong with me? You hurt me like no one else ever has, and you don't even care. Why can't I let go?

You only ever talk to me when your bored at home and have nothing else to do. You only talk to me when your friends aren't around. You only talk to me when you want something from me.
When your with your friends, I don't exist. When your drunk, I'm just another problem.

You don't see how hard I try to keep things perfect. You don't care. Why do I still care? I don't want to care. You bailed on me to go get drunk with your friends when I need you the most. I needed you so fucking much. But I get it, things like that are better than helping me... than having my company. And fair enough, I'm really not that great. But thank you for making the loneliness sting a thousand more times.

I hope that someday you'll ache like I ache.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

If I had known i'd miss my innocence this much, I would have fought harder to keep it.

So I was reading a zine that my friend had, and I could really relate to the things the author was saying.

"And no, I am not sorry for who I am. And no, I am not sorry that I will never belong to anyone because of it. "

" Because really, I am meant to belong to someone. It's just that someone, was not meant to be you. Though in the end, I guess everything we started was never really finished. But at least I learnt. "

" I guess we will never really know what could have been, or might have been."

I know I've been caught up about the same guy for months, and I am over him. But it's something I can't erase from my life and forget about it no matter how hard I try. I was hurt a lot, and things like this have happened to me before and I still dwell on them. I may be over the people I was once involved with, but the scars they left never seem to leave me. It's weird. I guess it's lessons I have learnt from the experiences that stick with me. I don't really know....

Being hurt is a complicated thing. Der.

Friday, January 22, 2010


= distance, and holy fuck it is working. I couldn't do it before, but I can do it now. I guess that means that feelings are changing and that I don't have to rely on him anymore. This is fantastic. I feel... neutral. I don't feel sad anymore. And it's not just one of those mood swing things either. This is for real. It's gone. Thank shit. I never thought I could do it.

On the other hand, went to a killer party with a killer boy. Was totz awf da chain imo ;D

Monday, January 18, 2010


I feel kinda weird talking about my love life and how shit/good it can be when the people who probably read this (if any) don't really know my back story or personal life and where it begins. And I always like reading about other people's lives and what they have done, where they have been, experiences they have been through, so maybe someone might do the same with me.

My name is Dani. And I'm 17.... boring. I'm in year 12, studying Psych, Studio Art, Health, Media and English. I go to a school in the northern suburbs of Melbourne and I love it. It's a co-ed school, and no uniform. So I can have any hair color I please (which tends to change on a weekly basis). It's cool as and it's heaps different from my old school. An all girls catholic school (barf). It was terrible and I'm so glad I finally convinced my mum to let me move schools.

Me and my mum have a VERY rocky relationship. We fight a lot. She suffers from Bi Polar and I do too apparently. I don't like to think I do because I'm still young and it's hard to tell from usual teenage-ness. But I've been told from several doctors and councellors that I might/might not have it. Mum always convinces me and tells me that I do. Ergh. Mind fuck really. Our fights really do get out of hand, to the point where I'm in hospital because she has hit me with a chair across my back numerous times. Intense, I know. But it's something you get used to after a few years. I could sum up our fights with - bruises, i hate you's and authorities. I've dealt with cops coming to my house for domestic violence for years. And they do shit all people, shit all. But it's not always between me and my mum, sometimes it's between her and her boyfriend.

They have been going out for about 10 years now, so he is kinda like a dad to me I suppose, although we barely ever talk. Oh yeah, my mum and my dad seperated after my younger brother was born because he cheated on her several times (that's why I'm STRONGLY against cheaters. yick). I have an older sister and a younger brother, which makes me the middle child. Anyway, my mum's boyfriend is always sick. He has had a lot of operations and he sleeps, a lot. Which is why we barely talk. And my mum always complains about how he never makes an effort and blah blah blah. Same old shit.

I barely see my dad. He lives about an hour away and I only really see him on Christmas, if he isn't busy working or with his girlfriend.

I'm in a band and I play guitar and do vocals. I love this band more than anything I have met so many awesome people because of it. I have made some of the closest friends because of it! I wouldn't give it up for anything. Anything!

I'm kinda bored talking about myself..... so if your interested? Ask?

Standing up

for myself for once. I'm not going to let you stand all over me anymore. This is my life and I'm taking control now and I'm not going to let you ruin me. Not again. Things are going great since you've been gone. Things are getting better. I'm feeling better. I've met a boy that makes you look sooo shallow. I know what you've said, and I know what you had planned for me. You ain't getting shit all from me, so don't bother with your pissy text messages anymore. I'm sick of hearing how you "miss me" and that you "still like me a lot". Your the one who pushed me away, and I'm gladly walking away. It's the best thing I have ever done. I'm not letting you hurt me anymore. And it's the greatest fucking feeling. So leave me a lone, let me get on with what I have gained. I don't feel sorry for you anymore. I don't feel sorry for myself either.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Someone once told me

That I would have to fuck someone else to get over the person I liked because they don't feel the same way. I reckon it's shit. I don't want to be looked at as someone you can just fuck and run. Yeah, you know " it's just sex " and "it's fun", but I want to find something more.

Why is that so harshly judged upon? I'm sorry that I want to find someone who actually gives a shit about me instead of just fucking them and never hearing from them again? You know, sometimes I wish I could do that, just so I don't have to go through the risk of finding and falling in love and ending up just getting hurt again.

Why is love so important? And why do I always think about it? Is it maybe the fact that I'm a lone? Or do I simply want that kind of companionship where I know at the end of every day someone will put up with my rambling and still think the sun shines out of my ass? It's fucked. I'm only 17 fucking years old.

Friday, January 8, 2010

I know it's lame

But I can't help but feel the way I do. I don't think I can vent this out any other way, and boy, I have tried. I have tried in some very bad ways to get this out of my mind, and out of my system, and out of my life, and I feel that this is probably the safest and healthiest way out of it.

I think I fell in love... But I'm not sure exactly. I got that feeling where every time I would see them, I wouldn't notice anything else around them, except for their figure. They were what I would focus on, and they are what would make me smile in a crowd of a hundred people. Every time I'd receive a text message or a phone call, my heart would pound a thousand times. I know this is SO FUCKING cheesy, but the feeling, I don't think I could ever put into words... properly anyway. I felt like I was on top of the world! And they told me that they felt the same way. Everything was so fucking perfect.

I was the happiest I had ever been. They showed me how to be me. They showed me how to have some fun and enjoy the little things in life. They showed me how someone can care about you and they showed my what it's like to feel special to someone. I felt protected, and I felt safe when I was with them. I felt like nothing could go wrong. I felt wanted. They made me feel beautiful.

I thought it was all the same for them. I thought things were going perfect and I thought things would only just get better from here. Since it only was the beginning after all, I was looking forward to what was up ahead. But they never even gave it a chance.... And I tried so hard to hold this together to the point where I was destroying myself....

They promised me they would come back to me. And they promised that things would be the same and that what we had was only going to get better. They PROMISED me that we would make the best memories and that one day, we'll sit on the beach at night time and enjoy each others company. I couldn't wait for him to get back to me. And I couldn't wait for that feeling I had when I was around them. I wanted it more than anything I knew. But they didn't... Not anymore.

What did I do? What the FUCK did I do? Why was I the one left behind and hurt? When all I did was care and wanted things to work out? How am I going to deal with this? Why are you being like this? Why are things different? Don't you remember that you promised me? You promised me! Can we please just go back to how things used to be? Why does the distance matter if it never mattered before? It just does? What kind of excuse is that? What did I do? Can't you just tell me the truth? Why can't you just be honest with me? Don't you remember how much fun we used to have? Why are you saying it's different now?

.... The questions I wanted answered, have never and will never be answered. They are annoying questions. Questions that no one would want to answer. I just wanted one answer. Yes or No. But I couldn't have that. I couldn't stand to not be around them. I couldn't stand being with them because they had hurt me so much. In the things they said, and the things they did and didn't do. I feel like wanting someone to care about me, is such an effort. Maybe it was an effort for them. I didn't ask for much... All I wanted was to talk to them at least once every night whilst they were away, they deserved the fun. But I couldn't even have that.... Oh man.

I hate how I still dwell on this. And I hate how much they have done to me. And they will never, ever know. Why they were taken away from me? I do not know. I just wanted things to be the way they were, but I realized that not everything can go my way, and that some things are just better than me as well. It's the truth. And I've learnt to accept it.

I've also slowly started to move on.... Slowly, but getting there. It's nice to feel free. And to get the weight of questions off my shoulders. Although, the person still lingers on the back of my mind, always. And the songs we listened to together, I can barely stand hearing because they remind me of the days where things were much more simple.

I know that things can't be the same.
And I know that sometimes you just have to move on.
It's easier said than done, that for sure.
But maybe something better will come along... eventually... maybe...
Love scares me. A lot.

How I got my URL name thingo... For those who are interested...

Tank Girl... Music...

TANK GIRL, one of my favourite comic books to read and collect. She drives a tank for pete's sake (whoever pete may be, god rest his soul)! She has attitude and her companion is a mutated kangaroo named Booga! Whenever a bad relationship of mine ends, and the guy decided that he can walk all over me, I pull out my Tank Girl comics and read like there is no tomorrow. Her strength gives me strength and makes me think " Oh you know what stupid human boyfriend? I'M GONNA FIND ME A NICE MUTATED KANGAROO AND DRIVE A TANK! BECAUSE THOSE THINGS MASHED TOGETHER ARE SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER THAN YOU!" ... See what I mean yeah? Reading Tank Girl makes me feel ... ultimate... and I like it :) It makes me feel like I don't need a boy to make me feel happy! So I recommend a good read of Tank Girl to any lady who has been stepped all over by a dude! CHYEAH.

MUSIC, okay, so I love my music. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. Just like most people! My favorite, ALL TIME band is definitely NIRVANA! I have been listening to them since I was in my mother's womb, you see, she is a big fan too, and kinda got me into them! Kurt Cobain is my musical legend and my hero. He is the reason I started to play guitar! And you know, if he was still alive today and if he died like, tomorrow or something, i WOULD NOT know what to do with myself... Like, i know it sounds harsh to say that I'm glad he passed away when he did, because I didn't have to go through the grief, but that's just being selfish! I LOVE NIRVANA.