30/3/2010

Let's hope that this time I don't fuck up.
And that it lasts.
And it's for real.

You Know You're Right

God dammit. The feeling of regret is the worst thing in the whole entire world. I hurt him. And i would give ANYTHING to take it back. He is perfect. Like, ACTUALLY perfect. Amazingly perfect. I feel like I don’t even deserve his friendship. What I did was stupid and reckless. No we weren’t exactly together and I didn’t cheat on him, if that’s what you’re thinking. But we could have been together. That’s the thing. But I ruined it! God the things I would do to take everything back. I would be so happy. He would treat me right. God dammit. God dammit. God dammit. He is perfect. Per-fucking-fect. I’m way out of his league.

Memories

Like tidal waves crashing round inside my head.

TAKE THAT PRICK! :D

You're lucky I left you with your Hands

All the shit you do to me only makes me stronger. And makes me hate you even more than I already do. Nothing you do or say can hurt me anymore, so stop fucking trying. Dickhead.

And I Fall When You Leave

Still taking up the majority of my mind.
Every second, of every single fucking day.
When he left, he took a part of me away with him.
And I don't think anyone else can fill that empty space.
I've tried, but it doesn't feel the same.
It doesn't feel right.
Because the part of me he took can't belong to anyone else.
I haven't been sleeping properly for a long time.
And he's still the only thing I see in dreams, or nightmares.
Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. It's such a waste.
I have tried everything I can possibly think of.
But his still the one I wait for hours to talk to.
Sometimes I wish he would disappear to make it easier.
But then all I'd do was miss him, a lot.
I can't let anyone else in.
What's wrong with me?

Possibility

This word circles my head a thousand times a day.
Sometimes slowly and sometimes fast.

The extremes I would go to, to make it possible is scary.
His the reason now why I'm closed.

He was in my dream again

He was crying. He was covering his face so I wouldn't be able to see the tears. But I knew he was crying cause of the sobs. He was embarrassed. He didn't want me to see him upset. We were in his car. He parked on the side of the road. It was grey and foggy. The windows were fogged up. I touched his hands, he was cold, and I pulled them down to see his face. I wiped his tears away and the sobbing stopped. He just looked down as I kept wiping his tears away with my grey sleeves. He looked at me and got really angry. Started yelling at me but I couldn't remember what it was. I think it was something like "Get out of my car" because the next thing I knew I was outside, standing on the road, watching his car drive away into the fog. I remember feeling the lump in my throat, like when your about to cry, and I wasn't able to speak. I wish I knew why he was crying. I wish I knew why he got mad. I wish I knew why he drove away and left me there. The road was big, spacious and intimidating. I wasn't able to move, and I was scared. I was cold and I wanted him to come back and take me somewhere safe. He knew I was scared of big open spaces. I just wanted to help but he pushed me away. I remember a sinking feeling. But that's all until I woke up...I had tears down my face. Had I been crying in my sleep?

I think this is more of a nightmare.

Bob Marley

"He had this idea. It was kind of a virologist idea. He believed that you could cure racism and hate... literally cure it, by injecting music and love into people's lives. When he was scheduled to perform at a peace rally, a gunman came to his house and shot him down. Two days later he walked out on that stage and sang. When they asked him why - He said, "The people, who were trying to make this world worse... are not taking a day off. How can I? Light up the darkness."" - I Am Legend


This man makes me feel amazing things.

Someone said that You're Fading too Soon

Porcelain

Agoraphobia

~a morbid fear of open spaces (as fear of being caught alone in some public place).

~the fear of wide open spaces, crowds, or uncontrolled social conditions.

~fear of leaving the familiar setting of one's home; form of panic disorder.

~a phobia of anxiety or panic attacks that results in a growing avoidance of things or situations.

~an anxiety disorder that is characterized by fear and avoidance of places from which escape might be difficult.

I have had agoraphobia for many years. A lot of people don't understand how distraught I get when I'm confronted with a big open spaces. It's a stupid fear I know, but the amount of people who see it as a joke and run off on me and leave me abandoned in big spaces can go fuck themselves. It isn't funny. The feeling is unbearable. I panic, I feel unable to move and I feel sick to my stomach.

I love secure, small spaces. I love being in the comfort of my own home. I hate facing big open spaces only because of the panic and distress. It stops me from being comfortable doing a lot of things; playing soccer in a big field, playing basketball on a court, being on a big stage, walking across big busy roads, walking in big buildings, walking around the city by myself and walking across open fields. It's stupid. I hate it. I'd give ANYTHING to get rid of it. I hate how it interferes with my daily life. I don't want to be cooped up in my home. I love being out and seeing friends, but I always fear of going out and being stuck in a situation like this by myself. It's embarrassing and stupid.


When I'm in a big space by myself, I freak out. I feel like I can't get to anywhere safe and I feel like the world is just going to suck me under the ground with the things around me. I feel fragile and timid and small. I feel so insignificant. I feel like I have no control and I'm intimidated by the big space. I feel like my life is going to end there and then. I feel like I won't be able to make it to my safe place. I feel stupid and frustrated and really embarrassed. I hate it when my friends make fun of it. They have no fucking idea. Some days I just want to stay in bed and sleep forever.

This is why sometimes I don't want to wake up to the world

Whaling makes me sick to my stomach, makes me get tears in my eyes and makes me hate the human race. Whales are my favorite all time animal and they are beautiful and I THRILL to see one one day. But I'm scared I won't because of these sick sick antics! People are greedy and heartless. Who can have the fucking guts to do this to something so beautiful? It is inhumane and disgusting. It's all about money. Money money money. I'd give them all my savings to save a whale, if it's money that they want. Fucking idiots.

Various Hair Styles I have had

When I was a Blonde

Summer

Shaved Hair

Wew!

Guitar Hero

When I started smoking pot

Old photos are scary to look at.

But sometimes pictures speak more than words.

Sleep-texting

So it turns out I have been sleep-texting people! Which is what it says: I text people in my sleep saying things that don't mean anything. I was a bit freaked out by this so I looked it up and it turns out that it's a worldwide issue because people sleep next to their phones and rely on it so much that they wake up in their sleep, text someone, and fall back to sleep with no recollection of it because the event doesn't go to the memory bank because it was less than 3 minutes (according to scientists).

I have texted my friends saying:
"Why?"
"Do you hate me?"
and
"Mmmtshabang. Aslongg as your all mine shh sh. Domt worry ill keep u safe. Just shhh"

This confused them AND it confused me. So I will get texts in the morning reporting my unknown text message and then I will have to explain that I must've sent it in my sleep! It's quite embarrassing...

Your my sweetest downfall

I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Walking in the rain, listening to Regina Spektor, befriending a snail who I called Link, getting soaked, jumping up every time thunder and lightning struck, being a little bit scared of the darkness: is so much better than what I would have experienced with you tonight.

Dani, why didn't you do your homework?

My kitteh was sleepies on my paperz and i felt mean waking it up! .... It's a fucking cat.... Yeahz! But it's sho cewt i couldn't disturb it in it's humble slumberz. ... Fuck you... C: