Thursday, March 18, 2010


~a morbid fear of open spaces (as fear of being caught alone in some public place).

~the fear of wide open spaces, crowds, or uncontrolled social conditions.

~fear of leaving the familiar setting of one's home; form of panic disorder.

~a phobia of anxiety or panic attacks that results in a growing avoidance of things or situations.

~an anxiety disorder that is characterized by fear and avoidance of places from which escape might be difficult.

I have had agoraphobia for many years. A lot of people don't understand how distraught I get when I'm confronted with a big open spaces. It's a stupid fear I know, but the amount of people who see it as a joke and run off on me and leave me abandoned in big spaces can go fuck themselves. It isn't funny. The feeling is unbearable. I panic, I feel unable to move and I feel sick to my stomach.

I love secure, small spaces. I love being in the comfort of my own home. I hate facing big open spaces only because of the panic and distress. It stops me from being comfortable doing a lot of things; playing soccer in a big field, playing basketball on a court, being on a big stage, walking across big busy roads, walking in big buildings, walking around the city by myself and walking across open fields. It's stupid. I hate it. I'd give ANYTHING to get rid of it. I hate how it interferes with my daily life. I don't want to be cooped up in my home. I love being out and seeing friends, but I always fear of going out and being stuck in a situation like this by myself. It's embarrassing and stupid.

When I'm in a big space by myself, I freak out. I feel like I can't get to anywhere safe and I feel like the world is just going to suck me under the ground with the things around me. I feel fragile and timid and small. I feel so insignificant. I feel like I have no control and I'm intimidated by the big space. I feel like my life is going to end there and then. I feel like I won't be able to make it to my safe place. I feel stupid and frustrated and really embarrassed. I hate it when my friends make fun of it. They have no fucking idea. Some days I just want to stay in bed and sleep forever.


  1. I never realised, that must mean going to school each day must be a struggle, with having to cross the field just before the school. I feel for you girl. You endure more than most other people, and are one of the nicest I've encountered. :D

  2. :(...I used to have that sort of thing, but with crowds. I never did anything by myself when I was younger, I hated it. I still feel that way every now and again, it sucks... But this is different with you. i couldnt imagine feeling like that. i hope you overcome it someday.