So I haven't posted anything on here in awhile...

Cause life is pretty good right now. I only really post things up here if I'm upset. But things are actually going really well. I have someone who has become a part of my life, and they treat me better than anyone has done ever before. It's actually so great, and trust isn't an issue. He can go to parties and drink and I know I can trust that he wouldn't hurt me. It's so fantastic having not to worry.

Like the other night he went to a friends 18th, and I got there really late so he was already plastered. I walked in the garage and there he is, on the floor in a bloody dress and a blonde wig and lipstick smeared across his face. It was fucking hilarious! As soon as he saw me he got up and came over to hug me. He is such a dork but I love it. I really am head over heels.

I lost my best friend. We aren't friends anymore... She started hanging out with some other girl at our school. Whatever.. Yeah it sucks because I dont have that close of a bond with anyone else and she just took it all away and gave it to someone else. Buh. It sucks, but I''m getting over it. I guess she has found someone else to entertain her. gah.gah gahgahgahagaghhgasdh.

Apart from that, Jake pretty much makes me the happiest girl a live. He really is the best I've ever had...

Daisy Chainsaw's "Eleventeen" Album

Holy mother of FUCK I love Daisy Chainsaw! Listening through this album is insane. Starts off with the track "I Feel Insane" and god, you can feel Katie Jane Garside's insaneness as the track starts off with some sort of weird chuckle and noise! And the rest of the song is filled with them too! The album is very sludgy kinda punk and grunge mixed in with some really eerie songs and vocals. It was released in 1992 and the tracks are:

1. I Feel Insane
2. You Be My Friend
3. Dog With Sharper Teeth
4. Hope Your Dreams Come True
5. Natural Man
6. Love Your Money
7. Love Ugly Brutal World
8. Use Me Use You
9. Future Free
10. Pink Flower
11. Waiting For The Wolves
12. Everything is Weird

My favorite tracks would have to be "Love Your Money", "Pink Flower" and "You be My Friend". Love Your Money would have to be one of their most well known songs! It's very energetic and fun, you can just bounce around to it. Pink Flower starts off quite punky but then drifts off into some eerie-ish trip that makes you feel like you're on drugs. And You Be My Friend is quite rock n roll through the guitar solo and the repetitive rhythm makes it quite grungey. And Katie Jane Garside's vocals are so hysterical. I like it! :)

Katie is crazy on stage!

Yeah

I'm pretty stupid in going back to read what I have written in my blog. Fuck I sound like the BIGGEST whinge ever.... All I have pretty much talked about is how shitty a relationship has been and what effect it had on me. All for one guy. It's so stupid. I wish i didn't look back on it. And i promised myself I wouldn't delete anything I wrote in here. Anyway, on a brighter note...

Check out this band. I am OBSESSED right now...



Katie Jane Garside, I have the biggest teenage hormonal crush on you. Jizz. She is also in Daisy Chainsaw, who i fucking LOVE. Check them out too. DO IT.

He

...makes me feel beautiful.
He is real.
He is down to earth.
He is lovely, caring and handsome.
He takes away the emptiness.
He takes away the pain and loneliness.
He is fun!

I want this to last.
He is real. He is real. He is real. He is real.

30/3/2010

Let's hope that this time I don't fuck up.
And that it lasts.
And it's for real.

You Know You're Right

God dammit. The feeling of regret is the worst thing in the whole entire world. I hurt him. And i would give ANYTHING to take it back. He is perfect. Like, ACTUALLY perfect. Amazingly perfect. I feel like I don’t even deserve his friendship. What I did was stupid and reckless. No we weren’t exactly together and I didn’t cheat on him, if that’s what you’re thinking. But we could have been together. That’s the thing. But I ruined it! God the things I would do to take everything back. I would be so happy. He would treat me right. God dammit. God dammit. God dammit. He is perfect. Per-fucking-fect. I’m way out of his league.

Memories

Like tidal waves crashing round inside my head.

TAKE THAT PRICK! :D

You're lucky I left you with your Hands

All the shit you do to me only makes me stronger. And makes me hate you even more than I already do. Nothing you do or say can hurt me anymore, so stop fucking trying. Dickhead.

And I Fall When You Leave

Still taking up the majority of my mind.
Every second, of every single fucking day.
When he left, he took a part of me away with him.
And I don't think anyone else can fill that empty space.
I've tried, but it doesn't feel the same.
It doesn't feel right.
Because the part of me he took can't belong to anyone else.
I haven't been sleeping properly for a long time.
And he's still the only thing I see in dreams, or nightmares.
Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. It's such a waste.
I have tried everything I can possibly think of.
But his still the one I wait for hours to talk to.
Sometimes I wish he would disappear to make it easier.
But then all I'd do was miss him, a lot.
I can't let anyone else in.
What's wrong with me?

Possibility

This word circles my head a thousand times a day.
Sometimes slowly and sometimes fast.

The extremes I would go to, to make it possible is scary.
His the reason now why I'm closed.

He was in my dream again

He was crying. He was covering his face so I wouldn't be able to see the tears. But I knew he was crying cause of the sobs. He was embarrassed. He didn't want me to see him upset. We were in his car. He parked on the side of the road. It was grey and foggy. The windows were fogged up. I touched his hands, he was cold, and I pulled them down to see his face. I wiped his tears away and the sobbing stopped. He just looked down as I kept wiping his tears away with my grey sleeves. He looked at me and got really angry. Started yelling at me but I couldn't remember what it was. I think it was something like "Get out of my car" because the next thing I knew I was outside, standing on the road, watching his car drive away into the fog. I remember feeling the lump in my throat, like when your about to cry, and I wasn't able to speak. I wish I knew why he was crying. I wish I knew why he got mad. I wish I knew why he drove away and left me there. The road was big, spacious and intimidating. I wasn't able to move, and I was scared. I was cold and I wanted him to come back and take me somewhere safe. He knew I was scared of big open spaces. I just wanted to help but he pushed me away. I remember a sinking feeling. But that's all until I woke up...I had tears down my face. Had I been crying in my sleep?

I think this is more of a nightmare.

Bob Marley

"He had this idea. It was kind of a virologist idea. He believed that you could cure racism and hate... literally cure it, by injecting music and love into people's lives. When he was scheduled to perform at a peace rally, a gunman came to his house and shot him down. Two days later he walked out on that stage and sang. When they asked him why - He said, "The people, who were trying to make this world worse... are not taking a day off. How can I? Light up the darkness."" - I Am Legend


This man makes me feel amazing things.

Someone said that You're Fading too Soon

Porcelain

Agoraphobia

~a morbid fear of open spaces (as fear of being caught alone in some public place).

~the fear of wide open spaces, crowds, or uncontrolled social conditions.

~fear of leaving the familiar setting of one's home; form of panic disorder.

~a phobia of anxiety or panic attacks that results in a growing avoidance of things or situations.

~an anxiety disorder that is characterized by fear and avoidance of places from which escape might be difficult.

I have had agoraphobia for many years. A lot of people don't understand how distraught I get when I'm confronted with a big open spaces. It's a stupid fear I know, but the amount of people who see it as a joke and run off on me and leave me abandoned in big spaces can go fuck themselves. It isn't funny. The feeling is unbearable. I panic, I feel unable to move and I feel sick to my stomach.

I love secure, small spaces. I love being in the comfort of my own home. I hate facing big open spaces only because of the panic and distress. It stops me from being comfortable doing a lot of things; playing soccer in a big field, playing basketball on a court, being on a big stage, walking across big busy roads, walking in big buildings, walking around the city by myself and walking across open fields. It's stupid. I hate it. I'd give ANYTHING to get rid of it. I hate how it interferes with my daily life. I don't want to be cooped up in my home. I love being out and seeing friends, but I always fear of going out and being stuck in a situation like this by myself. It's embarrassing and stupid.


When I'm in a big space by myself, I freak out. I feel like I can't get to anywhere safe and I feel like the world is just going to suck me under the ground with the things around me. I feel fragile and timid and small. I feel so insignificant. I feel like I have no control and I'm intimidated by the big space. I feel like my life is going to end there and then. I feel like I won't be able to make it to my safe place. I feel stupid and frustrated and really embarrassed. I hate it when my friends make fun of it. They have no fucking idea. Some days I just want to stay in bed and sleep forever.

This is why sometimes I don't want to wake up to the world

Whaling makes me sick to my stomach, makes me get tears in my eyes and makes me hate the human race. Whales are my favorite all time animal and they are beautiful and I THRILL to see one one day. But I'm scared I won't because of these sick sick antics! People are greedy and heartless. Who can have the fucking guts to do this to something so beautiful? It is inhumane and disgusting. It's all about money. Money money money. I'd give them all my savings to save a whale, if it's money that they want. Fucking idiots.

Various Hair Styles I have had

When I was a Blonde

Summer

Shaved Hair

Wew!

Guitar Hero

When I started smoking pot

Old photos are scary to look at.

But sometimes pictures speak more than words.

Sleep-texting

So it turns out I have been sleep-texting people! Which is what it says: I text people in my sleep saying things that don't mean anything. I was a bit freaked out by this so I looked it up and it turns out that it's a worldwide issue because people sleep next to their phones and rely on it so much that they wake up in their sleep, text someone, and fall back to sleep with no recollection of it because the event doesn't go to the memory bank because it was less than 3 minutes (according to scientists).

I have texted my friends saying:
"Why?"
"Do you hate me?"
and
"Mmmtshabang. Aslongg as your all mine shh sh. Domt worry ill keep u safe. Just shhh"

This confused them AND it confused me. So I will get texts in the morning reporting my unknown text message and then I will have to explain that I must've sent it in my sleep! It's quite embarrassing...

Your my sweetest downfall

I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Walking in the rain, listening to Regina Spektor, befriending a snail who I called Link, getting soaked, jumping up every time thunder and lightning struck, being a little bit scared of the darkness: is so much better than what I would have experienced with you tonight.

Dani, why didn't you do your homework?

My kitteh was sleepies on my paperz and i felt mean waking it up! .... It's a fucking cat.... Yeahz! But it's sho cewt i couldn't disturb it in it's humble slumberz. ... Fuck you... C:

Oh?

"You get angry because i told you to stop saying personal things about me to my friends. You are incredibly selfish and immature, and i cannot fathom how you become so worked up at me and them, when you know perfectly well that they are people who cannot keep their mouths shut. If you want to be mad and push us away, that's fine, but maybe it's time to realize that every person you talk to isn't one for personal discussion, as they clearly don't show enough respect to what your telling them."

I'm incredibly selfish and immature? Oh... I didn't realize. I didn't realize that you were the one who hurt me and left me when I still liked you, and you fucking knew. You took advantage of that didn't you, by telling me that you still liked me, when I was drunk, making me believe that we were going to get back together. So then, out of all hope, you fucked me. At 3am, in a football field. You held me and kissed me and made me believe that we were getting back together. And after you got what you aimed to get, you told me it "wasn't going to work out". You used me. But I'm selfish and immature? You don't have the guts to fuck me when I'm sober, you'll wait till I'm fucking blind drunk. But I'M selfish and immature.

Sorry for befriending your friends too. They opened up to me, so I did to them. One of them told me I could trust them. Maybe I am stupid for believing it, but I've learnt my lesson. All I did was tell them the fucking truth. I told them how I was hurt. They gave me advice and helped me out. I didn't know they could be so heartless.

And it's pretty sad how you have to tell me this. When all I did was push 3 people away that had broken my trust. What else was I fucking supposed to do? What the fuck would you do?

So go on, call me selfish and immature. I've learnt my lesson, and I'm dealing with it.

Never Trust Anyone

Ever. I'm never fucking trusting anyone again.
With anything. I'm never going to open up with anyone.
Even if you tell me I can trust you.
Fuck you.

Lithium

The smell of my bedroom after mum had vacuumed it/The feeling of getting in my little boots/When I couldn't wait for the grass to be mowed so I could play soccer and kickball in the backyard/Picking insects off plants/Digging in the dirt with mums best spoons/Collecting worms and butchy boys/Having the time of my life running over the sprinkler/Having my neighbors come play in the blow-up pool/Riding my bike across the rode/The feeling of when I first got my scooter/I'd get excited walking into Toys R' Us/I'd beg mum for those lollies at the super market/When school homework was only on Fridays and it was a page long/When the holidays came you were allowed to stay up for as late as you could/Watching Nickelodeon with Jordan and Loz/Going to Jordan's house and playing in the apple tree/Getting up at 6am to watch Cheese TV/When I'd run to my mum and hug her when I got home from school/Swinging on the clothes line with my brother/Getting into trouble was the worst thing imaginable/Getting smacked by the wooden spoon/Watching cartoons after school, everyday/The smell of the old orange velvet couches we had/When I'd cry from nightmares/Driving to Jordan's in mums red car listening to Silver Chair and Nirvana.

First Gig

www.myspace.com/cashno

http://www.myspace.com/imilktigers

I played my first gig last night (19th Feb 2010). I was so nervous and excited! But when we got on stage, things went better than I thought they would. Although my voice was hella squeeky and I messed up a few times, we still got some pretty awesome feedback and got offered a gig! So that was pretty cool. I love the feeling of playing a show. I absolutely love it. I love meeting the bands we play with too. We played at The Central Club with I Milk Tigers, Greenhouse Ghosts and Cash No! Good bands that I hope to play with again! I don't have a photo of Greenhouse Ghosts playing yet, or us. But I will post them up when I get them :) SIIIIICK!

Never again, always I will

I actually think, that I'm afraid to fall in love.
Fuck.

I guess this it's a consequence of a risk.
I want to start a grunge band.
The Breeders/Veruca Salt/Nirvana/The Cardigans influenced.
Grunge is a genre of musical freedom, I love it.

"A sky this blue deserves you"

http://www.myspace.com/valentiinemusic

No, just... No

I don't care about your social politics! So shut the hell up. Stop trying to always one-up me on how "punk" you are and how much I'm not. I don't care that I don't wear a leather jacket with studs, I don't care that I don't put up a mohawk or wear a tartan skirt! I also don't care how many studs and rips your clothes have, and I also don't give a shit about how you think your top stuff because you know a punk band that I haven't even heard of. What's even worse is that you do this in front of your "punk" buddies, and they laugh!

Well I'm laughing at how hard your trying to fit in with them. I love punk rock music. I love what they stand for. I love the feeling I get from listening to punk. I absolutely love it. But it does not mean that I agree with the social politics of it all. And it does not mean that I will wear what is considered "punk". I'll wear what ever the hell I want, get over it! You make me so furious in how your always trying to tell others about my place in my band! To be honest it has nothing to do with you, and there is no need for you to make comments like "Oh, she doesn't even dress like a punk, why is she in a punk band?"

Playing punk music, is a fucking passion. I love it like nothing else. It's a way I can vent, it's a way I can get what I need to say out to people. It's a way in which I can musically express myself. And I feel that I don't need to express myself through the punk fashion, like you. I know you've wanted to be in a punk band for ages, and I know you've wanted to be in my band for ages! But it gives you no right to try and tell me how it is, and try to make me feel like i don't deserve to be in it because your more of a "punk rocker" than me. You can dress however you please! But if your going to give me crap about how I want to dress and what I believe in, don't even think that I will let you get away with it, without me having a say.

This band is the one thing I have found that I truly love. Don't you fucking dare try and take this away from me. Your a selfish, inconsiderate, snobby punk rocker.

Rock Rockity Rock

It's 1:07am on a Friday morning. My kitten is asleep on my lap and I have a really good coffee. I'm on top of all my homework, even though year 12 is a bite on the butt! I'm still doing pretty alright. Focusing a lot on my studio art work and media. Two folio subjects, argh. Intense, but definitely do-able. For studio, the theme I'm basing my work around is Contemporary Feminism and Riot Grrrl. And for media, my theme is demonic possession. I have a lot of ideas, but it's so hard to write them all down into perfect words that contribute 30% to my final score for the year!

Anyway, a rockin' party tomorrow night! Then band prac for a few hours, then possibly making my way down to St Kilda Festival! I also got $50 today from my aunty (a late birthday present)! Cigarettes and graphic novels, here I come. Oh yeah, and I got absolutely drenched in the rain today after school. I walked in through the front door and I felt like I had just gotten out of a pool. By boots were full of water and they were so squelchy!

Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy! Squelchy!JWHBDKEBFADBNFKLJNDFLJNDFLJBADSJBL

A conversation with 2 junkies

in a McDonald's toilet. Yep. I went upstairs to use the bathroom in the maccas on Elizabeth street and I opened the door to see 2 older women, drinking vodka and holding needles. My first instinct was to leave, but i REALLY needed to go. I opened the door, and as soon as I did they started to talk to me. Saying that they liked my style and that it was "wicked" and that I had cool hair. They told me that they used to be like that when they were my age, all alternative and what not. One of them even said that they used to be a hippy, but just got older and grew out of it. They both said that they dropped out of it as they got older. They had a few laughs about when they were teens and told me to cherish my years. The women left the toilet leaving the bottle of now empty vodka and needles (god forbid whatever was in them) in the sinks. As I was in the toilet by myself, I thought to myself if I was going to end up like them, shooting up and drinking in a maccas toilet. I kinda shuddered to the thought, and still do, but I also wondered if I will ever grow out of my lifestyle. If I will ever grow out of the music I listen to. If I will ever grow out of wearing my doc martens and flanny.

Growing up scares me sometimes.
I don't want to end up like my mother.

Finally

I'm cutting you off completely. It's what I fucking need. I don't want to hear about you, I don't want to see you, I don't want to know you, I don't want to hear from you, I don't want to be friends with you.
I'm so exhausted trying all the time, trying to make things work, when they just won't, as friends. Don't try and hang onto me, when you gave all your fucking might to let go of me and push me away. It's rather confusing, and I don't need that right now.

I need to find my mind again. I need to find my heart again. I'm getting there, and it does take time. Closure. By God, it's bliss.

Kaleidoscope

First day of Year 12 today was shitty. So many new kids have arrived at my school, 150 of them... It's so hard to find the people I actually know now, through the big crowds! My school used to be so small. I have actually learnt to appreciate and love my year level. A lot.

I have learnt not to take anything for granted either, cause things change so much and you then realize how much you miss it and want it back! Like my classes last year, god how I used to have so much fun! We used to get up to so much mischief. But this year I have to take extra seriously... Because yes, I actually DO want to get into a uni. I am going to make the most out of this year though.

Time for some change, adventure and fun. Oh yeah, I'm not looking for love anymore. I am going to wait. I'm not even going to try. Maybe then, something will come to me, instead of me always chasing after it. Maybe then, things will work out :)

Listening to an awesome band, Pet Salad. Check it bra.

I'm happy.
I'm happy.
I'm happy.
I'm happy.
I'm happy.

Ahahaha

MISS/OLD YOU
I miss how you would listen to the most beautifullest music.
I miss how you would let me sit and watch you play your guitar.
I miss how you would pick me up and twirl around with me in your arms.
I miss how you wouldn't want to leave me.
I miss how you would stay up late just to talk to me.
I miss how you would sing at the top of your lungs to embarrass me haha.
I miss how you would take me to the beach.
I miss how we would listen to the best CD's in your car.
I miss how you would miss me when you went away.
I miss how you would tell me I was beautiful and that you loved me.

HATE/NEW YOU
Your boring.
All you do is party, and tell me about it, I really couldn't give a shit.
And no, I don't want to know how drunk you got.
You care about your car more than you care about me.
You treat me like the shit beneath your shoes.
You expect me to still be around your finger.
You brag to me about every little thing you do, when I don't even ask you about it.
Your boring to talk to and be around.
Your more poncey and usual.
Straightening your hair now and expensive clothes?
Sub stereos in your car?
Caring about what your friends and others think about you?
You've gotten a massive ego, and a huge head.
Want the truth?
You weren't that good in bed... I faked a lot.

But I liked you. I "LIKED" you.
The new you is shit. You bore the fuck out of me.
I don't miss you now. If I am missing SOMETHING about you, it's the old you.
That's what I wanted back. Not "you" exactly.

And now?
I really couldn't give a shit anymore, I'm happy.
I feel like I can be me again. And it's great :)

Time to get a move on with life and stop living in the past!

I never realized how simple it was

I can't live with or without you.
I always knew I loved this song for a reason, apart from the fact that it's beautiful and catchy. I actually understand what it means in saying "I can't live with or without you". I'm glad I understand it now, I'm glad I understand myself now. But I'm not gonna try understanding you.
Things are going to get better. Things are gonna be sorted out. I kinda feel free. And I know my moods swing from I love you/I hate you. But I kinda feel, content with the decisions we have made :) I feel like me again. I'll get through the lonely nights, like most people. Things like this happen. I'm still learning, getting the hang of this thing. But I'll love the fun nights I'll have with my friends. They are the ones I love the most. I don't need one guy to make me happy, when I have my girls, and plenty of guy friends who make me laugh a billion times more than you ever have.
Hahaha, my mind works in a strange way, I think. You tell me. I've lost count of how many times you've called me crazy and insane. And I don't care, this is me. And I'm happy with that.

"I just wanna get a long" - The Breeders.
Simple.

I hope that one day

Someone shows you my blogs. Maybe then you'll get it through your obnoxious fat head.... I love and miss you. Always....


I hate how you can love someone so much it hurts. And yes, I am calling it love. After everything that happened, how much I was hurt, i still think about you. What else could it be?


Frick.

I'm sorry

I forgot how unimportant I was to you. I thought things were going great. I thought things were getting better. I thought we could do this for once. But no. You proved me wrong. I can't handle trying so much anymore. And boy, I tried so hard. You laugh at me when I cry and then you laugh with your friends. I'm getting exhausted...

You proved to me how low a friend can be. How shit a friend can be. Hell, I can't believe I'm still holding onto you, trying to keep you as one of my friends. What the hell is wrong with me? You hurt me like no one else ever has, and you don't even care. Why can't I let go?

You only ever talk to me when your bored at home and have nothing else to do. You only talk to me when your friends aren't around. You only talk to me when you want something from me.
When your with your friends, I don't exist. When your drunk, I'm just another problem.

You don't see how hard I try to keep things perfect. You don't care. Why do I still care? I don't want to care. You bailed on me to go get drunk with your friends when I need you the most. I needed you so fucking much. But I get it, things like that are better than helping me... than having my company. And fair enough, I'm really not that great. But thank you for making the loneliness sting a thousand more times.

I hope that someday you'll ache like I ache.

If I had known i'd miss my innocence this much, I would have fought harder to keep it.

So I was reading a zine that my friend had, and I could really relate to the things the author was saying.

"And no, I am not sorry for who I am. And no, I am not sorry that I will never belong to anyone because of it. "

" Because really, I am meant to belong to someone. It's just that someone, was not meant to be you. Though in the end, I guess everything we started was never really finished. But at least I learnt. "

" I guess we will never really know what could have been, or might have been."

I know I've been caught up about the same guy for months, and I am over him. But it's something I can't erase from my life and forget about it no matter how hard I try. I was hurt a lot, and things like this have happened to me before and I still dwell on them. I may be over the people I was once involved with, but the scars they left never seem to leave me. It's weird. I guess it's lessons I have learnt from the experiences that stick with me. I don't really know....

Being hurt is a complicated thing. Der.

Solution

= distance, and holy fuck it is working. I couldn't do it before, but I can do it now. I guess that means that feelings are changing and that I don't have to rely on him anymore. This is fantastic. I feel... neutral. I don't feel sad anymore. And it's not just one of those mood swing things either. This is for real. It's gone. Thank shit. I never thought I could do it.

On the other hand, went to a killer party with a killer boy. Was totz awf da chain imo ;D

Hello,

I feel kinda weird talking about my love life and how shit/good it can be when the people who probably read this (if any) don't really know my back story or personal life and where it begins. And I always like reading about other people's lives and what they have done, where they have been, experiences they have been through, so maybe someone might do the same with me.

My name is Dani. And I'm 17.... boring. I'm in year 12, studying Psych, Studio Art, Health, Media and English. I go to a school in the northern suburbs of Melbourne and I love it. It's a co-ed school, and no uniform. So I can have any hair color I please (which tends to change on a weekly basis). It's cool as and it's heaps different from my old school. An all girls catholic school (barf). It was terrible and I'm so glad I finally convinced my mum to let me move schools.

Me and my mum have a VERY rocky relationship. We fight a lot. She suffers from Bi Polar and I do too apparently. I don't like to think I do because I'm still young and it's hard to tell from usual teenage-ness. But I've been told from several doctors and councellors that I might/might not have it. Mum always convinces me and tells me that I do. Ergh. Mind fuck really. Our fights really do get out of hand, to the point where I'm in hospital because she has hit me with a chair across my back numerous times. Intense, I know. But it's something you get used to after a few years. I could sum up our fights with - bruises, i hate you's and authorities. I've dealt with cops coming to my house for domestic violence for years. And they do shit all people, shit all. But it's not always between me and my mum, sometimes it's between her and her boyfriend.

They have been going out for about 10 years now, so he is kinda like a dad to me I suppose, although we barely ever talk. Oh yeah, my mum and my dad seperated after my younger brother was born because he cheated on her several times (that's why I'm STRONGLY against cheaters. yick). I have an older sister and a younger brother, which makes me the middle child. Anyway, my mum's boyfriend is always sick. He has had a lot of operations and he sleeps, a lot. Which is why we barely talk. And my mum always complains about how he never makes an effort and blah blah blah. Same old shit.

I barely see my dad. He lives about an hour away and I only really see him on Christmas, if he isn't busy working or with his girlfriend.

I'm in a band and I play guitar and do vocals. I love this band more than anything I have met so many awesome people because of it. I have made some of the closest friends because of it! I wouldn't give it up for anything. Anything!

I'm kinda bored talking about myself..... so if your interested? Ask?

Standing up

for myself for once. I'm not going to let you stand all over me anymore. This is my life and I'm taking control now and I'm not going to let you ruin me. Not again. Things are going great since you've been gone. Things are getting better. I'm feeling better. I've met a boy that makes you look sooo shallow. I know what you've said, and I know what you had planned for me. You ain't getting shit all from me, so don't bother with your pissy text messages anymore. I'm sick of hearing how you "miss me" and that you "still like me a lot". Your the one who pushed me away, and I'm gladly walking away. It's the best thing I have ever done. I'm not letting you hurt me anymore. And it's the greatest fucking feeling. So leave me a lone, let me get on with what I have gained. I don't feel sorry for you anymore. I don't feel sorry for myself either.

Someone once told me

That I would have to fuck someone else to get over the person I liked because they don't feel the same way. I reckon it's shit. I don't want to be looked at as someone you can just fuck and run. Yeah, you know " it's just sex " and "it's fun", but I want to find something more.

Why is that so harshly judged upon? I'm sorry that I want to find someone who actually gives a shit about me instead of just fucking them and never hearing from them again? You know, sometimes I wish I could do that, just so I don't have to go through the risk of finding and falling in love and ending up just getting hurt again.

Why is love so important? And why do I always think about it? Is it maybe the fact that I'm a lone? Or do I simply want that kind of companionship where I know at the end of every day someone will put up with my rambling and still think the sun shines out of my ass? It's fucked. I'm only 17 fucking years old.

I know it's lame

But I can't help but feel the way I do. I don't think I can vent this out any other way, and boy, I have tried. I have tried in some very bad ways to get this out of my mind, and out of my system, and out of my life, and I feel that this is probably the safest and healthiest way out of it.

I think I fell in love... But I'm not sure exactly. I got that feeling where every time I would see them, I wouldn't notice anything else around them, except for their figure. They were what I would focus on, and they are what would make me smile in a crowd of a hundred people. Every time I'd receive a text message or a phone call, my heart would pound a thousand times. I know this is SO FUCKING cheesy, but the feeling, I don't think I could ever put into words... properly anyway. I felt like I was on top of the world! And they told me that they felt the same way. Everything was so fucking perfect.

I was the happiest I had ever been. They showed me how to be me. They showed me how to have some fun and enjoy the little things in life. They showed me how someone can care about you and they showed my what it's like to feel special to someone. I felt protected, and I felt safe when I was with them. I felt like nothing could go wrong. I felt wanted. They made me feel beautiful.

I thought it was all the same for them. I thought things were going perfect and I thought things would only just get better from here. Since it only was the beginning after all, I was looking forward to what was up ahead. But they never even gave it a chance.... And I tried so hard to hold this together to the point where I was destroying myself....

They promised me they would come back to me. And they promised that things would be the same and that what we had was only going to get better. They PROMISED me that we would make the best memories and that one day, we'll sit on the beach at night time and enjoy each others company. I couldn't wait for him to get back to me. And I couldn't wait for that feeling I had when I was around them. I wanted it more than anything I knew. But they didn't... Not anymore.

What did I do? What the FUCK did I do? Why was I the one left behind and hurt? When all I did was care and wanted things to work out? How am I going to deal with this? Why are you being like this? Why are things different? Don't you remember that you promised me? You promised me! Can we please just go back to how things used to be? Why does the distance matter if it never mattered before? It just does? What kind of excuse is that? What did I do? Can't you just tell me the truth? Why can't you just be honest with me? Don't you remember how much fun we used to have? Why are you saying it's different now?

.... The questions I wanted answered, have never and will never be answered. They are annoying questions. Questions that no one would want to answer. I just wanted one answer. Yes or No. But I couldn't have that. I couldn't stand to not be around them. I couldn't stand being with them because they had hurt me so much. In the things they said, and the things they did and didn't do. I feel like wanting someone to care about me, is such an effort. Maybe it was an effort for them. I didn't ask for much... All I wanted was to talk to them at least once every night whilst they were away, they deserved the fun. But I couldn't even have that.... Oh man.

I hate how I still dwell on this. And I hate how much they have done to me. And they will never, ever know. Why they were taken away from me? I do not know. I just wanted things to be the way they were, but I realized that not everything can go my way, and that some things are just better than me as well. It's the truth. And I've learnt to accept it.

I've also slowly started to move on.... Slowly, but getting there. It's nice to feel free. And to get the weight of questions off my shoulders. Although, the person still lingers on the back of my mind, always. And the songs we listened to together, I can barely stand hearing because they remind me of the days where things were much more simple.

I know that things can't be the same.
And I know that sometimes you just have to move on.
It's easier said than done, that for sure.
But maybe something better will come along... eventually... maybe...
Love scares me. A lot.

How I got my URL name thingo... For those who are interested...

Tank Girl... Music...

TANK GIRL, one of my favourite comic books to read and collect. She drives a tank for pete's sake (whoever pete may be, god rest his soul)! She has attitude and her companion is a mutated kangaroo named Booga! Whenever a bad relationship of mine ends, and the guy decided that he can walk all over me, I pull out my Tank Girl comics and read like there is no tomorrow. Her strength gives me strength and makes me think " Oh you know what stupid human boyfriend? I'M GONNA FIND ME A NICE MUTATED KANGAROO AND DRIVE A TANK! BECAUSE THOSE THINGS MASHED TOGETHER ARE SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER THAN YOU!" ... See what I mean yeah? Reading Tank Girl makes me feel ... ultimate... and I like it :) It makes me feel like I don't need a boy to make me feel happy! So I recommend a good read of Tank Girl to any lady who has been stepped all over by a dude! CHYEAH.



MUSIC, okay, so I love my music. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. Just like most people! My favorite, ALL TIME band is definitely NIRVANA! I have been listening to them since I was in my mother's womb, you see, she is a big fan too, and kinda got me into them! Kurt Cobain is my musical legend and my hero. He is the reason I started to play guitar! And you know, if he was still alive today and if he died like, tomorrow or something, i WOULD NOT know what to do with myself... Like, i know it sounds harsh to say that I'm glad he passed away when he did, because I didn't have to go through the grief, but that's just being selfish! I LOVE NIRVANA.