Friday, January 8, 2010

I know it's lame

But I can't help but feel the way I do. I don't think I can vent this out any other way, and boy, I have tried. I have tried in some very bad ways to get this out of my mind, and out of my system, and out of my life, and I feel that this is probably the safest and healthiest way out of it.

I think I fell in love... But I'm not sure exactly. I got that feeling where every time I would see them, I wouldn't notice anything else around them, except for their figure. They were what I would focus on, and they are what would make me smile in a crowd of a hundred people. Every time I'd receive a text message or a phone call, my heart would pound a thousand times. I know this is SO FUCKING cheesy, but the feeling, I don't think I could ever put into words... properly anyway. I felt like I was on top of the world! And they told me that they felt the same way. Everything was so fucking perfect.

I was the happiest I had ever been. They showed me how to be me. They showed me how to have some fun and enjoy the little things in life. They showed me how someone can care about you and they showed my what it's like to feel special to someone. I felt protected, and I felt safe when I was with them. I felt like nothing could go wrong. I felt wanted. They made me feel beautiful.

I thought it was all the same for them. I thought things were going perfect and I thought things would only just get better from here. Since it only was the beginning after all, I was looking forward to what was up ahead. But they never even gave it a chance.... And I tried so hard to hold this together to the point where I was destroying myself....

They promised me they would come back to me. And they promised that things would be the same and that what we had was only going to get better. They PROMISED me that we would make the best memories and that one day, we'll sit on the beach at night time and enjoy each others company. I couldn't wait for him to get back to me. And I couldn't wait for that feeling I had when I was around them. I wanted it more than anything I knew. But they didn't... Not anymore.

What did I do? What the FUCK did I do? Why was I the one left behind and hurt? When all I did was care and wanted things to work out? How am I going to deal with this? Why are you being like this? Why are things different? Don't you remember that you promised me? You promised me! Can we please just go back to how things used to be? Why does the distance matter if it never mattered before? It just does? What kind of excuse is that? What did I do? Can't you just tell me the truth? Why can't you just be honest with me? Don't you remember how much fun we used to have? Why are you saying it's different now?

.... The questions I wanted answered, have never and will never be answered. They are annoying questions. Questions that no one would want to answer. I just wanted one answer. Yes or No. But I couldn't have that. I couldn't stand to not be around them. I couldn't stand being with them because they had hurt me so much. In the things they said, and the things they did and didn't do. I feel like wanting someone to care about me, is such an effort. Maybe it was an effort for them. I didn't ask for much... All I wanted was to talk to them at least once every night whilst they were away, they deserved the fun. But I couldn't even have that.... Oh man.

I hate how I still dwell on this. And I hate how much they have done to me. And they will never, ever know. Why they were taken away from me? I do not know. I just wanted things to be the way they were, but I realized that not everything can go my way, and that some things are just better than me as well. It's the truth. And I've learnt to accept it.

I've also slowly started to move on.... Slowly, but getting there. It's nice to feel free. And to get the weight of questions off my shoulders. Although, the person still lingers on the back of my mind, always. And the songs we listened to together, I can barely stand hearing because they remind me of the days where things were much more simple.

I know that things can't be the same.
And I know that sometimes you just have to move on.
It's easier said than done, that for sure.
But maybe something better will come along... eventually... maybe...
Love scares me. A lot.

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